The Uns(t)ung Hero

                                                 

“May I Come in, Sir?”

“Oh, you should have come in long ago, RG.”, he sighed heavily without looking away from his files.

“Umm, I don’t understand. Leave it. You seem busy, Sir.”

“No no. It’s just regular stuff. Sit. I’m just going through the schedule of useless summits and unnecessary meetings I have to attend next month, preparing statements about my unawareness of upcoming scam, revising the data of the total loss occurred to the nation by all the scams and yes, foremostly, chanting the divine “Ten commandments” given by Her Highness.”

“Jesus Christ! I’m totally amazed by your ability of handling all these gigantic tasks single handedly.”

“Oh yes, son. Indeed they are gigantic. But you know what; in starting years of this career it was so annoying. In fact, I was used to lose my mind so many times over the ministers of our cabinet unknowing the fact that they are “Pure Blood Politicians”. My sentiments were deeply hurt when media grilled me over my ignorance about the biggest scam of our country. Oh, come on. Am I an inhabitant of Antarctica? I had known it all for god’s sake.

But the reactions of the people struck me like a chord. Then onwards this “Mask of Ignorance” became my favorite scapegoat. No one questioned my Honesty. No one offended genuineness of my morale will. My integrity remained intact. Even I have faced the eternal dilemma of “To be or not to be” on every single morning of these years. But hey, that’s the life, isn’t it? I just played my part. Oh, you must be hungry. Should I order something for you? May be some Pizza, French fries or some coke?”

“Oh, I don’t like those things now-a-days, you see. Mom told me that those things just don’t go with my public Image. My gustation has been accustomed more to the “Dalit Food” than MacDonald’s and Dominos. ”

“Sure, Son”

“Oh, I just forgot why I have come here. Actually, I needed some tips on “How to make an ambiguous political statement”. Mom told me that you are the right person to ask for this as you must be having record of thousands of them and that too for all the different occasions. I should start preparing for the upcoming elections, you see. God, I’m so excited.”

“Well, you must be knowing that a true magician never reveals his secretes. But as I don’t have any magic wand and moreover, there is no such magic behind my highly ambiguous statements, let me reveal the secret. ”

“I’m all ears.”

“Well, the secret is to use the most arcane statements with the most possible polysemous words English Language ever churned out.”

“What? I didn’t understand.”

“Ok. Let me explain. For example, never use active voice in your statements. Never. Always keep yourself outside the statement. Try to say “Resolution of problem, which we are facing currently, will take indefinite time.” rather than “It will take sometime for ME to solve the issue”. Secondly, use ambiguity. As much as you can. For example, when you’re unsure about what decision your party will take and you’re forced to say something about the issue, put it something like this : “The inquiry process involved in bringing this issue to a resolution agreeable to all the parties is not the one that can be initiated without due thought and can not be followed without circumspection.”.

“Whoa!! It sounds so simple.”

“But son, you will have to practice regularly to master this art. The real challenge will arise when you will be left with no choice but to give firm statements. These phrases will come handy at that time: “We firmly refuse to…” “We will not tolerate any…” “Unity of the nation can not be broken by…” and most importantly “It is malign trick of the opposition”. Use them wisely, young man.”

“You, Sir, are sheer Genius.”

“Oh, don’t embarrass me. Genius was the Shakespeare who has inspired me all my life.”

“What? I didn’t understand.”

“You’re a slow learner, son”. He sighed.

“         ”